


Pain! (BoyxBoy) Book 1

by King_Rainbow_Boy



Series: The Paradox Series [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Acceptance, Affection, Anal Sex, Angst, Asexual, Asian Character(s), Atheist Character, BDSM, Bigotry, Bipolar Disorder, Bisexual, Christianity, Churches & Cathedrals, Coming of Age, Demisexuality, Depression, Drugs, Drunk Sex, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Female Homosexuality, Fictional, Forbidden Love, Freedom, Gay, Gay Bar, Gay Pride, Gay Sex, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Gothic, Hate Crimes, High School, Homophobic Language, Homosexuality, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, LGBTQ Themes, Lesbian, Love, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Male Slash, Manipulation, Mild Smut, Mischief, Multi, Neediness, Oral Sex, Pansexual, Past Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Religion, Religious Cults, Religious Guilt, Romance, Same-Sex Marriage, School, Self-Acceptance, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Stereotypes, Strict, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:28:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26536567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/King_Rainbow_Boy/pseuds/King_Rainbow_Boy
Summary: {Book 1 of "The Paradox Series"}Michael Goodman, the son of the town's pastor, lives in a stereotypical religious town where he was pushed into believing strict rules as a Christian. But when he learned that he's a transgender, he starts living in fear and shame and was anti-social towards people. But what will happen when one badass atheist boy comes into his life one day?TRIGGER WARNINGS: This book contains religious bigotry, violence, BDSM, and MPreg aspects!
Relationships: Elijah Goodman/Joseph Goodman, Grace Caesar/Marty McCray, Michael Goodman/Zachary Douglass, Priscilla Goodman/Miranda Tanner
Series: The Paradox Series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1929592
Kudos: 2





	1. TRAILER

**_SUMMARY : _ ** _{Book 1 of "The Paradox Series"}_

_Michael Goodman, the son of the town's pastor, lives in a stereotypical religious town where he was pushed into believing strict rules as a Christian. But when he learned that he's a transgender, he starts living in fear and shame and was anti-social towards people. But what will happen when one badass atheist boy comes into his life one day?_

_**DISCLAIMER :** This book features BxB relationship, homosexual romance, and LGBTQ+ themes. I own the rights of all characters!_

_**TRIGGER WARNINGS :** _ _This book may contain profanity, violence, PTSD attacks, religious bigotry, homophobic/transphobic slurs, suicidal attempts, MPreg, and sexual intercourse! Read at your own risk._

**_TRAILER _ **

...

_We were all created in God's image. The image that may mean that they are aware of being that part of the creation through whom God's plans and purposes best can be expressed and actualized; humans, in this way, can interact creatively with the rest of creation._

_But as you were to grow up, you have learned the fact that we were all born in Sin. A natural-born Sin. Sin has been running rampant all over the earth like a deadly virus ever since Eve made a bad choice by eating the forbidden fruit._

_Most people would say that Satan has been lurking around,_ _corrupting the minds of the innocence. And sadly the children, most of all._ _You lie, cheat, and steal... but if you look up to God and pray to him with remorse in your heart, you are forgiven._

_We_ _as humans were bought to this world to be pure and holy by obeying God's wish, his ten commandments:_

_**1.) You shall not have no other gods before Me.** _

_**2.) You shall not make idols.** _

_**3.) You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.** _

_**4.) Remember the Sabbath day, keep it holy.** _

_**5.) Honor your father and your mother.** _

_**6.) You shall not murder.** _

_**7.) You shall not commit adultery.** _

_**8.) You shall not steal.** _

_**9.) You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.** _

_**10.) You shall not covet.** _

__

_Think you can remember them all...?_

_The holy lessons we have learned from them as children...?_

_Just believe in God and live with Jesus with all your heart. Because without God's salvation, you shall be banished down to Hell for eternity._

_You believed it all with all your heart._ _You feel so loyal in God's eyes as you spread his love wherever you go._

_Sure we're not perfect. We stumble and fall, but we get back up again. Because you know that we're God's children with a wonderful mission he's gifted us._

_But..._

_What will happen... when the world had discovered that you're something that people would describe as an... abomination?_

_You can feel the burn of angry, judgmental eyes watching your every move. You don't understand why you deserved this. You would spend hours upon hours of asking and praying to your Lord on your knees, screaming out his name in tears, asking him to take away the 'Sin' you've been possessed with. But day after day... you received nothing. You wonder why?_

_Is it that your God has forsaken you? Ashamed of you?_

_Cold, dark, and empty... nothing you can do but to fall on your knees and shed lonely tears as the numbness welcomes you with open arms, condemned of the love from the people you know near and dear._

_You feel ashamed... You feel disgusted... You feel like a complete disappointment._

_Your life will never again be the same, when all you feel is pain. A basic physical, and emotional pain._ _Every slap, every kick, every blow you received as if you're a rag doll being tortured inside out._

_Your happiness was shattered, deep and grim..._

**_Where is your God now when you need him...?!_ **

_** END OF CHAPTER ** _

**_Author's Note : _** _This is the first story that not only I'll be including religion, but this will also be a transgender story. The idea has been lingering in my head for so long that I decided that I just couldn't wait anymore. Like my other stories, "Opposite Attraction" and "My Stepbrother, My Steplover", this story will be randomly updated with no defined schedule. Please don't be expecting frequent uploads, I have a lot ahead of me._

_The purpose of this story is to help support the people of the LGBTQ community who came from a stereotypical religious home. I was aware that there was so much hatred in religious people, which is the cause of the LGBTQ people's sufferings, and it was not okay... just utterly disgusting. And I wanted you guys to know, that the gender you love isn't a choice. Please, be true to yourself, and please, do not let anyone define your beliefs or standards. But I don't want to show disrespect towards Christianity... I'm a Christian myself too._

_And in case you're wondering why I'm making this a short chapter instead of a prologue, I just thought that I would give the first story of The Paradox Series a dramatic start with a short teaser before I can get started on that._ _I would highly appreciate some feedback on what you think of this trailer chapter, what I could improve/fix, or anything else to make my writing better. (I only accept constructive criticism, not harsh comments). Again, I do not want to show any disrespect towards Christianity._

_Thank you for taking your time to read. If you're interested in this story please follow, favorite/vote for future updates. Leave a comment for any reasons I mentioned above, and I hope you guys enjoyed the teaser of this story. The prologue will be coming soon, so until we meet again my lovely readers. Have a wonderful day._


	2. Prologue: Disheartened

_We are not what other people say we are. We are who we know ourselves to be, and we are what we love._

_\- Laverne Cox_

**Prologue:** Disheartened.

...

**Michael's P.O.V**

Here in reality, everyone yearns for freedom, but it's not always easy to find. Especially when you've been controlled by someone throughout your entire life, you'd find it very difficult to break away. It all started when I was raised in a strict religious household in a small town of Royal Oak, Michigan. People in my new hometown expected me to be pure and worth knowing like all Christian boys... at least that was the gender I thought I was.

Oh, where are my manners? My name is Michael Goodman, yet my name in the bible means _"A Gift from God"_. I'm 17 years of age, and it turns out... I happen to be different than what the others thought I'm supposed to be.

I mean, I am good looking, fit, and a _'manly'_ person. My hair is blonde, short and perfectly combed. I have sky blue eyes, a sharp jawline, and I developed a flat chest. But unbeknownst to everyone I seem to have a different part than the rest of the guys.

I don't know what was the reason until when I was only 13 when I figured out the truth.

Not only that... it was the first time I learned something that was accorded to be 'offensive' to God's words, aka, one of the shocking truths that made me realize how cruel this way of life really is.

**_August 17th, 2014_ **

_"Everyone ready to go?" The pastor, aka, my father, asked us after he finished giving instructions to his assistant pastor, who happen to be my uncle, to lock up the church. He had just exited the church building while we were standing on the front porch waiting for him in the cold evening._

_The Sunday service was now over, the moment I've FINALLY been waiting for._ _Every Sunday the church service always last for nine hours, which to me feels like eternity as heck._ _The sermon usually starts at 10:00 AM and ends around 6:00 PM, meaning that we have to spend all day listening to Dad preaching the word of God._

_Knowing my father, he was a well-respected man filled with pride for spreading his religion all around the world (which is something that's been running in the blood of his family for countless generations), with a beautiful wife and three wonderful children; me, my older sister Priscilla, and my little brother Gabriel._

_"I believe we're ready, dear." My Mom told him with a pearly white smile lingering on her red lips._

_"About time," I can hear Priscilla whisper under her breath. I can tell she was more than ready to get out of the service she dreadingly hated. Can't say I blame her, she was never interested in doing all the church-related work, which always displeases Dad. I have never seen him be nice to her before. Only times when he tried to force her to read the bible more often._

_Gabriel and I just tag along with his plans because we think we should look up to him under God's eye. He even promised me that I'll take his place in becoming the pastor someday since I'm the first born male of the family. I was thrilled about it._

_But Priscilla had thought otherwise. For some reason, she was suspicious of Dad and told me that something wasn't right about what he was doing._ _But being a young and naive kid, I didn't understand what she was talking about_ _. But I do_ _notice how strange she was acting around Dad more often. She was always shaking everytime she was close to him and she would try to avoid eye contact with him. I wonder why._

_I do know that Dad punishes her often, but I can't help but feel that there's something else more than that._

_Father then ushered us all to the family vehicle as we were waving farewell to the rest of our family as they were on their way home. The five of us then sat silently as we listen to the soft gospel music from the radio throughout the quiet car ride. The silence was then broken when Dad and Gabriel started talking about upcoming sporting events. Once we made it back home, we entered the house when Mom glances at the clock._

_"Goodness, it's already 9:30 PM?" She gasped._ _It was half an hour pass our bedtime._

_"You three need to get yourselves ready for bed, y'all got first day of school in the morning." My Dad sternly told us. "_ _God has a wonderful plan for us, and we can't go through his work without rest."_

_"Yes dad." Gabriel responded while I just went upstairs to my room to grab my pajamas and take a shower._

_My first day of seventh grade is tomorrow and I really wanted to prepare myself for it with good hygiene. After I got done taking a 12 minute shower, I changed into my blue pajamas, brushed my teeth, and head myself upstairs to the bedroom just as I was about to reach the doorknob-_

_**"WHAT THE HELL?!"** Dad's booming voice suddenly shook the whole house. **"PRISCILLA GOODMAN, COME DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!"**_

_I looked at Priscilla, who was staring back at me with fear in her eyes while standing in front of the bathroom door when she was just about to take a shower. She placed her lime green pajamas on the nearby shelf as she was shaking. Priscilla reluctantly oblige his sudden command, she knew she had to or else she'll make it worse knowing how short-tempered he can be._

_I was starting to get scared for my older sister... because there is no doubt our Dad is furious right now. I wonder what she has done this time._

_Having my curiosity get the best of me, I slowly followed behind her until I hid behind the corner and take a peek. I can see our parents sitting on the couch. Mom was crying her eyes out as she was shaking her head with a hand over her mouth, and Dad's face was looking absolutely miffed. He was red as a tomato that you can see his veins while he was looking down at the pink, glittery diary book filled with disgust. Did Priscilla accidentally left it there?_

_"Y-yes sir?" Her voice was shaking with fear._

_He looked up at her and stood up abruptly from the couch, firmly clutching Priscilla's diary as if he wanted to crush it. "What is... THIS?!" He showed her a certain photo that was somehow glued to the bottom of the page. Once she realized the photo she gasped in shock while I was trying to get a closer look. I was confused. What is it?_

_"Please, i-it's not what you think. Give it back!" Priscilla tries to grab it, but Dad held the book higher from her reach, glaring at her with hatred in his dark brown eyes._

_"Don't think I would fall for that lie, young lady. You better tell me what the hell is this or else!" Dad hollered, shaking the whole house once again. It even shook me._

_I can hear soft footsteps behind me approaching, and I turned around to see that it was Gabriel._

_"What is going on?" He whispered to me, fear and concern was plastered on his face. I shrugged my shoulders in response. I then walked in a different angle, quiet as a mouse. I wanted to know what is going on._

_I can hear Priscilla start crying as she stated in a broken tone, "I-I can explain. She's just a friend... a-and I was drunk. I didn't know what I was doing-"_

_She was cut off when Dad threw the diary on the floor with all his strength and fury._

_"I didn't expect this DISGUSTING act from you! Do you know that you just threw your life away? This isn't what God intended!" Father spat out, pointing his finger at Priscilla's face as she looked at him with guilt lingered in her eyes. "We have given you everything, and yet you stabbed us right in the back by bringing disgrace to the family name!"_

_As soon as he walks distance away from her, Priscilla notices Mom still sitting on the couch as she was now looking at her with teary green eyes._

_Priscilla_ _then walked to her. "Mom, please I-"_

**_SMACK!_ **

_The sound of a slap echoed throughout the atmosphere._

_There was now a red hand print on Priscilla's left cheek. The next thing Mom had screamed out from her mouth had me shocked as my eyes went wide as dish plates._

_"Get away from us you sick sinner. You're disgusting!"_

_Mom was usually a nice, easygoing person who would defend for us whenever Dad gets angry with us._

_... But tonight was different._

_I found it quite disturbing. It's not like her to do something so cruel like that... It was almost like she's changing into a different person._

_Gabriel quickly went downstairs as I went after him, whispering for him to stop but he just ignored me. Once he picked up and looked at the photo on Priscilla's diary that Dad threw on the ground, his face contorted from confusion to rage. Despite being 6 years younger than me, he was furious. Really furious._

_"Eww," He grimaced as he then looked at Priscilla. "Are you a... a LESBIAN?!"_

_I stopped halfway down the flight of stairs and gasped once the last word escaped from his lips. My sister... my older sister I knew for the past 13 years of my life... is a lesbian?_

_But how? I have never seen her act so affectionate towards girls before. What about that muscular jock from school whom she was dating a few years ago? I thought he was her boyfriend, but I was noticing that Priscilla didn't look too thrilled like all the other normal Christian girls her age were around their boyfriends. Could their relationship be a lie all along?_

_No... this can't be true, can it?_

_I continued to rush downstairs and looked at the photo that Gabriel was clutching in his hands... and he wasn't wrong. The tears stung my eyes as I quickly turned away, the picture was showing Priscilla in a bedroom with her closest friend from our school; Miranda Tanner._ _They were sitting on a bed, half naked as Miranda was kissing my older sister's cheek while she was taking a selfie, both of them were smiling with affection and pride._

_I knew Miranda a few times and she was really nice towards me and Gabriel. She would take us out to a fun restaurant or the movies when we were bored. Not to mention she would even share her Wii games with us everytime we visited her. Of course Priscilla would be around to watch us._ _I really admired Miranda's fun and loving nature and I respected her... but now tonight, my views upon her has completely changed._ _I started to feel sick to my stomach at what I'm seeing. I can't believe her... how could she do this to us? How could Priscilla do this to us?_

_After all the lessons my Dad had taught us for years; that homosexuality is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, and those who have chosen that lifestyle will forever be banished to Hell. No doubt that it said so in the bible._

_Gabriel dropped the book with a cold sneer and turned away from her. "Don't get close to me! I don't wanna be_ _infected by your homo disease." He quickly ran upstairs, leaving us behind. I can hear him slam the door behind him._

_"I can't believe that I have given birth to an abomination... **AN ABOMINATION!** " I can hear my Mom screeching at the top of her lungs. She got up from the couch and ran to Dad and started crying on his shoulder before he started comforting her, still glaring at Priscilla with pure hatred._

_"Look at what you've done, young lady!_ _Your mother and I worked so hard raising you and this... THIS is what we get in return! Having sex with another woman._ _You have disappointed your family. What's worse, your have disappointed our Lord." He boomed. "And to think that you're fit enough to start college tomorrow. Well think again, there's nothing left for you now. You just ruined your chance of have a brighter future by being something you're not supposed to be. And if that's what it's gonna be-"_

_He then paused for a moment._ _"Then your mother and I have no choice but to disown you!"_

_"What?! No, you can't do this!" Priscilla gasped, tears were streaming from her eyes._

_"Oh yes we can!" Dad retorted. "We_ _cannot possibly have a sinner infecting the holiness of this household!_ _No punishment would be enough for what you've done!"_

_I was starting to feel bad for Priscilla. She_ _had just graduated school a few months ago and she was about to attend college tomorrow... But now it looks like it'll never happen. Everything she worked so hard was now ruined because of one forbidden act. Because that this heavily religious town is extremely homophobic there's no doubt the people here won't accept her to go to college. With everyone turning their backs on Priscilla it's not safe for her anymore. How is she gonna achieve her future dreams now?_

_"But," Dad said. "If you wanna be redeemed from this punishment, then you are to let your mother and I send you to_ _the conversion therapy. The people there can help you become pure again."_

_There is some church camp that's located across town, I think it was called 'Safe Haven Camp of Repentance'. I heard it's where the adults work on curing the kids of their homosexual thoughts, which I think could be a pretty good idea._

_"No!" Priscilla instantly shook her head._ _"Do you know what those people do there? I heard that place is a real torture, A LIVING HELL!"_

_"Young lady, watch your mouth!" Mom hissed. I was still disturbed by her unnatural behavior._

_"Forget it, I am NOT going to that poor excuse of a so-called Christian camp, and you can't make me! I don't want to be cured. In fact I don't need to be cured because this is who I am!"_ _T_ _o my surprise, she seems to be standing up for herself in front of Dad. None of us had the guts to do that since he has strict power over us. According to him, the bible states that every parent has the right to control their child and shape them to be perfect with harsh discipline and we should be grateful for that._

_Father growled._ _"No you're not, you're just letting the devil poison your mind by making that choice!"_

_"My interest towards females isn't a choice, I mean it's no different than being with a boy! It never was, I was born this way. Why can't you accept that?" Priscilla fired back._

_"Because you're a homo! A damned homo putting your soul in danger." He spat out. "And as long as you refuse to get help from the camp by embracing this horrible lifestyle then you can pack up your bags and leave this house for good. You're no longer my daughter."_

_I turn to look at my older sister's face, still not saying anything. All I can do is stand there and watch with tears in my eyes. I am mad at Priscilla as much as my family are... but somehow I feel symphony for her. Half of me wanted go up and hug her real tight, while the other half just told me to stay out of this since I'm too weak to defend for her._

_Priscilla_ _looked down on the ground, her face was now blank as no words were coming out of her mouth. None of us didn't say anything for 13 seconds until she broke the silence._

_"You're right..._ _I'm no longer your daughter._ _" She muttered in a calm voice. She then looked up at Dad. "_ _My apologies, but I'm not changing myself for you or for anybody. And Mom..._ _I know you'll still care for me as much as I still care for you._ _I hope one day you'll regret agreeing with that man to kick me out when you think of me, as well as letting him do... **other things.** "_

_All my Mom did is just turn away from her and cry on Dad's shoulder in response, not wanting to look at her any longer._

_Wait, what does she mean by... 'other things'? Her face looked horrified and disgusted, and her teeth was gritted with anger once she mentioned the words. Did something else happen?_

_"I expect you to be out of the house in the next 5 minutes." He coldly replied. She nods her head._

_Priscilla_ _then picked up her diary and hugged it in her arms before she headed upstairs to her bedroom and starts packing up everything, leaving me shocked and heartbroken. Is she really gonna leave us behind?_

_We're all supposed to love God's children, right? Well if God really wanted us to be happy... then why did he allow us to live through pain and suffering?_

_... It's just not fair._

_Once everyone went to their separate rooms without uttering another word, I quickly went up to my older sister's room since this might be my last time seeing her. I may be upset with her of what she has done to our family... but I just wanted to see her one last time. She's still my sister, isn't she?_

_I then witness her packing up her belongings in her luggage with her back turned. Once she was finished she then looked down at her diary, muttering something under her breath._

_I couldn't hear what she was saying, and once again letting my curiosity get the best of me, I quietly sneak through the entrance of her room to hear what she was whispering about._

_"I knew I can't keep my secret safe as long as I'm here... but I can only hope that Dad wouldn't find out about my little brother's secret. Depends if Michael can keep it to himself when Mom tells him or when he discovers it himself."_

_"Discover what?" I blurted out my question with curiosity. Priscilla gasped_ _and quickly turns her face around to notice me._

_"Oh... it's only you. I thought you might be Gabriel at first." S_ _he breaths out a sigh of relief._

_"Is there a secret about me, Priscilla? What is it about? How come you and Mom never tell me? And what do you mean you hope Dad doesn't find out?" I asked her again, this time with multiple questions. I was now determined to know about the secret she and Mom had known about me for years._

_Priscilla_ _sighed and shook her head, her blonde curls following her movement. "Mikey... please don't make me do this. I don't think you're ready for that yet. You're still young to handle it..."_

_Her response still didn't stop me._

_"Oh come on, I'm 13 now. I promise I can handle it, and I-" I paused a I took a huge gulp. I know God can hear me. I just hope that he'll understand and forgive me for wanting to know something that is out of the question of our religion. I then continue. "I promise I won't tell Dad."_ _  
_

_At first she was hesitant, until then she kneeled down at my level and looked at me in the eye with a serious expression. "You promise?"_

_"I promise." I nodded._

_She approaches to the door and closes it so that no one in this house would hear us. Priscilla then walks up to me and places her hands on my shoulders before bracing herself. "Michael, I'm gonna be starting this lightly. But uh, h-have you ever been to the bathroom with the other boys and noticed something... different?"_

_I started to recall the times when I was at the restroom back in school. Now that she mentioned it there IS something different between me and them._

_"Well yeah. I've noticed that they have... well... the long parts that I don't have and I was too embarrassed to let them know about it." I said, not wanting to mention something that normal people describe as inappropriate. "One time I asked Mom about it but she looked hesitant and told me not to worry about it."_

_"Just Mom, right?" She asked._

_"Uh... yeah," I reply. I knew that something about myself isn't right. I known for years and I wanted to know the answer, and now tonight could finally be my chance. "Why is that?" I questioned her, feeling a bit tense._

_Priscilla_ _looked down, biting her lip as she was taking her time to explain. She then looks up at me. "Please don't freak out Mikey, just know that you wanted to know so bad and-"_

_"Just tell me." I cut her off, already impatient._

_She sighs and quickly gets to the point. "Michael... when you were born you were born as a girl, not a boy. But Dad wanted to have a son to take his place to become a pastor. He was too busy to take her to the hospital, and she knew that he would force her to get rid of you if you were a girl. So... without letting him know, she demanded a sex change surgery to make you a boy. It did took a lot of difficult time but she just to make him happy because she loved you too much to give you up. Mom did tell me about it since I was mature enough to earn her trust, and she told me not to spill this until you're old enough."_

_A million questions buzzed around my head. I open my mouth but then closed it, not knowing what to say. Could this really explain everything?_

_All this time. All this FREAKING time I was actually a... a transgender?_

_No, no, no! I can't be a transgender. This is against what our values have taught us. But if so, then how could Mom decide to lie to Dad when she took me to the surgery to change my gender behind his back? I can't believe her!_

_My heart was pounding. My arms were shaking. I bit my lip as I don't know weather to be angry, sad, or both._

_"Michael, I know you're hurting right now but it's too late to change what happened in the past. As long as Dad believes her about you being a boy then you need to keep up with it. Please Michael... No matter what you can't let Dad know you're a transgender. Okay?" She said, looking at me straight in the eye._

_I nodded my head, still not knowing the right words to let out about this subject. I then decided to change it. "What about the other things you told Dad about? What did he do?"_

_She froze at my question, her skin became pale as she started to shake. "I-" Her voice was almost breaking. "I can't tell you. I'm sorry but you're too young to know. The secret about your gender identity is all I can tell you. That's it!"_

_I sighed in defeat and nod my head. "... Okay."_

_"Good. You should go to your room before Dad catches you in here. I don't know if we'll see each other again but I can't stay here anymore, I have to leave now." She said._

_Without giving her a hug goodbye or anything, which I regretted, I instantly ran to my bedroom, wanting to forget this ever happen. Soon afterwards, I can hear the front door open and close, which I assume that my sister had left the house for good. For the rest of the night I couldn't sleep. I started to regret forcing my sister to let out the secret I wasn't ready to hear._

_All I can do is silently cry my eyes out, feeling helpless and alone. I can't be a transgender..._ _My Dad is definitely gonna disown me when he finds out I'm a transgender. And worse, if the word gets out, everyone is gonna look at me different and I'll be alone forever._ _I just don't know how many years I'll be able to keep my dark secret safe._

_Tonight was the night that changed my life forever..._

**_END OF CHAPTER_ **

**_Author's Note : _** _To make this story more touching, I've decided that every chapters will have the quotes of the celebrities who supported the LGBTQ community._ _Just like I don't want to be disrespectful towards Christianity, as I stated on the note from the trailer (the previous chapter), I also don't want to be disrespectful towards transgenders, but writing this story is gonna become a challenge for me. I don't know the life/reality of how transgenders faced. I will do my best by doing some research._

_Thank you guys for reading the prologue I've finally rewritten. I had to delete and rewrite just to hopefully make this chapter look more promising. I was gonna make Michael figure out he's a transgender in later chapter, but then I decided against that and thought it would be best to just write it on the prologue instead. Hope you guys are okay with this... I was in a panic mode, lol._

_Again, I don't know much about the reality of how transgenders go through and I haven't read much books about them much, but I am taking my time and doing my best._ _  
_

_As a final note: I love you guys and I hope you guys will take care and stay safe. Please continue to support and read whenever I post a new upload._


	3. Chapter 1: Bleakness

_**Author's Note : **WARNING - _ _This chapter may contain mental abuse and mentions of suicide attempts._

_Find out who you are and be that person. That's what your soul was put on this earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth, and everything else will come._

**_\- Ellen DeGeneres_ **

**Chapter 1:** Bleakness.

...

**Michael's P.O.V**

I was now sitting in the front row of my homeroom during the final hours of school. As I was tapping my pencil on a wooden desk with a look of worry on my face I was trying to concentrate on the Mrs. Jones' droning about the homework we have taken yesterday evening, which I haven't done well on. But I just thought that focusing on my sketch drawing would calm my nerves... even though I knew I couldn't hide from the consequences I'm dreading for.

The thought of a bloody red F stained on my homework sheet keeps on burning in the back of my mind. It would've been easier if my Dad would just let me stay home instead of forcing me to go to church for bible study just like every Wednesday night. Because according to him, God is much more important than studying. _I can't tell him that it was his fault he didn't let me have time to study if he finds out, it'll only make things worse._

It's really boring here in Michigan, to be honest. Having to live in a strict, fundamentalist Christian town where I had to be pushed very hard everyday into becoming the man I'm supposed to be. It was very overwhelming yes, but according to my parents, I had no right to think or say anything about it out loud because God will hear and punish me.

I still miss my sister everyday and I don't know if I'll ever see her again. It has been 5 years and now it's just me, my little brother, and our parents. The rest of my family wouldn't dare mention her, especially my grandparents ever since Dad told them that she was a lesbian. Even though they wanted me to forget about Priscilla I would still remember her. I wonder where she is now, either she's dead, or alive, or if she still remember us. Even though I wasn't approved of her sinful lifestyle, I still wished that she would come back.

But there's one thing that keeps lingering in my mind... I wonder what she meant by Dad doing _'other things'_.

Maybe I'll find out about that later.

Right now, as a 17 year old myself (who will be turning 18 in a few months), I have a lot of important things to worry about right now: church, school grades, graduation... _and girls_.

To be honest I couldn't bring myself to become attracted to them like most normal boys are, and I wonder why. Usually I've always been a firm believer in people coming into your life for a reason. I mean everybody has a purpose, and sometimes we spend our entire lives trying to figure out what that purpose might be. I don't know if it's because I'm a... _a transgender_.

There is this one girl who my parents have told me that I'm supposed to marry one day after I graduate. Her name was Grace Caesar, and her parents are good friends with mine. But she wasn't very nice towards me and would act like a boss whenever my parents aren't around. She would even say that my body is too skinny, weak, and feminine, which makes me look unmanly. She isn't here right now because she and her family are away in Indiana attending her late grandmother's funeral. She will be back on Saturday.

I have to marry her one day just like my Dad wants me to do... even though I'm not much interested.

Girls are beautiful though, really. But most of them here can be so nasty and mean with a whole lot of drama whenever the adults aren't around... and most of the boys here are even worse with their immature perverted comments around girls. It makes me question if the students really do believe in God or not because of all this **ungodly** behavior going on with them.

Everyone are getting more mature every year, and I somehow couldn't shake the feelings of what the future has in store for me. I honestly doubt that anyone would love me for myself, knowing how judgmental people here can be. I didn't like to come here because I knew that this community doesn't tolerate transgenders as much as they don't tolerate jews, rebels... and especially homosexuals.

I was so scared that I would always keep my distant from the boys at the bathroom. Remembering my sister's words I can't tell anyone about this... they'll never understand. Ever!

I understood that Mom had to send me to a sex change surgery when I was born. She didn't want Dad to get rid of me. He really wanted the first born male to take his place at the church because it means so much to him. Besides Pricilla, Mom and I are the only two people in the family that knew about my secret. Still, I didn't tell Mom that I knew what she did. I decided to wait until the time is right.

But what could this mean for me if I had to pretend? Pretending is a lie, and lying is a sin, regardless of what my Mom was doing for my own safety. It just... doesn't feel right to me.

_Would my life be normal if my Mom hadn't come up with an idea in the first place? Or if my family aren't that much religious? Or when I had a chance to run away with Priscilla?_

"Mr. Goodman?!" I was interrupted by Mrs. Jones, my seventh period teacher. I looked up and she stood towering over me with a stern look lingered on her face, her hands were on her hips. _Oh boy..._

"Y-Yes, ma'am." I simply reply.

"Would you care to explain why haven't you been answering my question of the verse today?" She asked me impatiently.

Usually when you don't participate in class the teachers will hit you in the back 4 times in a row with a ruler in front of the class, which I find it very harsh and embarrassing. If they're in a bad mood then they'll hit you even more than 4 times... and heaven knows I don't want to get on my teacher's bad side. Not today!

"My apologies, ma'am..." I said to her apologetically.

She then looks down at my sketch drawings... It was a drawing of garden flowers and butterflies. She then snatches it up from the desk to gaze upon it. I don't know if she looks impressed with my drawing or not, her expression was unreadable to me.

I do wanted to be an artist more better... it really captures my passion since I was little and I have been learning creativity. But I can't. I have to take my father's place one day because it's my job to make him proud. It's my job to make God proud.

Finally, Mrs Jones broke the silence. "So I see you would rather wonder off to your own La La Land... Drawing something so pansy for a son of a pastor, huh?" She shook her head, disappointment filled her voice. Some of the male students behind me were snickering when she mentioned 'pansy'. "Mr. Goodman, you've been here in this school since kindergarten... and you know the consequences of people who fail to listen, right?"

All I can do is just look down at my folded hands as they were starting to grew paler than usual. My heart was beating fast right now as if it's a sign of telling me to run for my life. Feeling ashamed and humiliated, I didn't want to make eye contact with her because I was afraid she's gonna punish me in front of everyone. I feel so enviable right now...

**_Riiiing_ **

The school bell had rung, interrupting Mrs. Jones before she could do anything else. School was finally over, I sighed in relief as everyone stood up from their desks.

"Class dismissed," Mrs Jones sighed right before she started handing us sheets of bible verses she assigned us to study for tonight for tomorrow's test. "I expect you all to study and do not stop until you memorize every single verse."

After we finished gathering up all our supplies and placing them in our backpacks, everyone were all heading out the door, excited to spend the evening. I was the last person in line as usual, but I'm used to it.

Before I could walk out the door, I felt Mrs. Jones' hand grabbing my arm to stop me from leaving. I turn around to look at her, her face was showing nothing but disappointment.

"Mr Goodman, may I have a talk with you before you go?" She asked me in a firm but gentle tone.

I turn my face around to catch a glimpse at the door before I return my gaze towards her. I nodded my head before she motioned her hand to follow her. We then walk up to her desk where she takes a seat and folded her hands neatly on her lap while looking up at me with a serious expression.

"Did you know that your grades are dropping recently?" She simply asks me.

A chill starts to go down my spine as I gulped. I knew she was gonna ask me that question, why wouldn't she? This year was stressing me out as any other year, nothing has changed.

"Y-yes... My apologies, ma'am." I answered her. I knew it would be useless to tell her about what my Dad has been doing to me. She'll just think that I'm only making excuses.

She sighs disappointingly and rests her head on the palm of her hand before she then looks up at me. "You need to get your grades up or else I will have to suspend you for the rest of the year-"

" _I'M ONLY DOING WHATEVER I CAN!_ " I quickly reply with irritation. Really, I AM doing whatever I can... at least I'm trying. If you were in my shoes, you would know how hard it is to juggle between church work, school work, all the work that my community has thrown at me!

"Excuse me?" She raised in eyebrow. You can tell she's quite miffed at my sudden outburst.

Realizing that I had interrupted her, I quickly reply, "My apologies again, ma'am".

She looked at me for a short minute before she continued, "You're lucky I'm gonna let you redeem yourself, which is why I had given you a chance to study the verses we'll be having tomorrow. If you want your grade to go back up then all you need to do is to memorize in order to pass the recital. Understood?"

"Yes ma'am." I said, although I wasn't too thrilled about it... memorizing bible verses was always hard. Especially the Jeremiah verse. But if this means that I'll be getting a good grade if I study then so be it. Although I do need my cousins to help me, and I assume they have the same homework as me.

I just hope my Dad doesn't have other plans for me tonight. I can remember the last time I had a bad report card three months ago... and Dad wasn't happy about that.

_"Michael, get over here and read those grades to me." Father bellowed, pointing at his lap top that's sitting on the coffee table._ _It was the day_ _when progress reports were coming out. It came out of nowhere for me since I haven't realized those 12 weeks were already up._

_... I knew mine would be a bad one due to not having time to study._

_I walked over to the living room as Father pointed at the chair, demanding me to sit down and read. I begin to take a seat and read the grades that I got from school... and they weren't very good._

_"D, C, F, D, F, F..." I gulped before I turned to Dad as he glared at me._ _Mother just sits there on the couch, looking down at her bible with her reading glasses on._

_Father takes off his glasses as he approaches me, balding his hands into fists as he sneered at me._ _He slapped me across the face with anger boiling up inside of him._ _I fell right off of the chair I was sitting at, and landed hard on the floor. My face was burning, and now so were my arms. My left cheek was tingling while my arms ached, especially the one with the cuts I made behind my parents' back because of feeling like I couldn't take what life is doing to me._

_I can't give up on life too early because people have been telling me that I'll go to hell for throwing away the life God has gifted me... but the pain I'm suffering behind closed doors is too much._

_"What the hell is this?! Why are you failing ALL of your classes?!" Father yelled at me._

_"Well, it was just some missing work," I started to say. "B-but I'm working on some right now." I reached for the stack to show him, but he grabbed my arm and shoved me away._

_"I don't care! This is unacceptable." He snarled with his face turning red as a tomato. "I specifically told you to work hard in school to get your grades up, but you just wouldn't listen!"_

_My father starts undoing the buckle of his leather belt and yanks it out of the loops, joining both ends together in his hand. I gulped as I started to shake in fear._

_"Go deal with him somewhere else, Abraham. I'm trying to read." Mother said, turning the page of her bible. I knew that she wasn't gonna help me._ _Ever since Priscilla left the house everything has changed from bad to worse. My Dad would hurt me more often than usual, my Mom has been blaming me with no remorse, and Gabriel... he would just find a way to bring me down to satisfy his enjoyment because he became jealous of me of becoming the future pastor._

_... I was starting to think that this whole mess has gone insane, but what can I do?_

_I quickly got scared and I started to run out of the living room and headed up the flight of stairs as my father was chasing after me, yelling at me to stop running as I can hear the jingling of his belt. I was almost to my room, but then I felt something trip me as I then fell to the floor._

_I heard someone snickering as I looked up to see who it was. It was Gabriel. He was using his Lego toy truck to make me slip and fall on purpose._

_"Oops... sorry bro." He said with an evil smile before he picked up his truck and walks away._

_I was so angry that I felt like I wanted to hit him... but as I was about to get up, fear has returned once I saw my father looming over me with a belt in his hand. I was helpless to save myself right now._

_"Father no, please! I'm sorry!" I screamed out as I was in verge of tears. But he then firmly grabs my wrist with his free hand drags me to the basement, aka, the repentance room. My father had managed to rebuilt the basement ever since Priscilla left us. My eyes grew wide with fear knowing that everytime I was forced to go there, it wouldn't be a good sign._

_"Quit acting like a girl and MAN UP!" He bellowed._ _And before I knew it... my life was sent to hell._

"Michael, over here!" I heard Esther, one of my twin cousins, call out for me from the hallway. She, Elijah, and Joseph were in grabbing the things they needed from their lockers. I walked past the crowd of student while heading towards them.

I was always the quiet and kind of shy type of person who wanted nothing to do to gain the attention. Unfortunately, that's impossible since everybody here in Safe Haven knew my father is the pastor of this town and that I was destined to take his place. Everyone just wouldn't stop targeting their judgmental stares at me, and I just don't appreciate the way they looked up to me.

Most of the girls would come running after me, and most of the boys would envy me... which is why I don't enjoy coming to this huge, religious private school for students of Kindergarten to 12th grade, besides the strict teachers and stuff. What's more uncomfortable is that if they found out who I really am; _a sin_... things are gonna get worse than before.

Since I was more of an anti-social person I wasn't friends with anyone... the only friends I have are my cousins; Elijah and Esther, and their adopted brother, Joseph.

Joseph came from another town when he was just a young kid. His parents and my cousins' parents, Aunt Gloria and Uncle Patrick, had known each other and they used to be friends back when they were young and had attended this school. Joseph's parents don't agree with religious beliefs much like my family do, and they decided to move away to live the life they wanted, much to the anger and disappointment of my family. Not even his original last name.

Long story short, when Joseph was only 4 years old his parents were killed in a house fire and it was unknown what was the cause of it. Aunt Gloria and Uncle Patrick decided to adopt and raise him as their own son. I wanted to know what his parents were like, but he couldn't remember.

But in the end, he had gotten along with Elijah and Esther... well Elijah mostly. The two of them treated each other like close brothers and sometimes I noticed them act a little affectionate. But I just shrug it off, it's probably just brotherly love and nothing more.

"Hey Mike, what's up?" Elijah asked me with a smile once I came up beside them and open my locker.

I shrugged, "Nothing much."

"Why Mikey, you seem so down today. That's not a good look on you." Esther said, looking up at me with a concern plastered on her face while she was collecting things from her locker.

"My grades were just dropping, that's all. I didn't have time for them because-"

"Because Uncle Abraham forced you to come to church last night?" Aiden finished for me.

"I'm afraid so, Joseph." I mumbled, closing my locker with a loud _BANG!_

My thoughts as usual, have caused me to get worked up. A sigh escaped my lips before I looked at all three of their remorseful looks. They know how harsh Dad can be towards me. They went through the some similar things with their parents, but not as harsher than my father. Because other than just the beating, there were other stuff that my father would do to me in the repentance room every time I triggered his temper... it was a living hell that traumatized me and I can't tell anybody about this, not even my cousins. God would forbid it because it can ruin my Dad's reputation since most of the world are sensitive nowadays.

But it's normal for parents to discipline their kids, and they should be grateful about it because it's all part of God's wish. I can't question the authorities of his, the church, not even the school.

"I just had one more chance to redeem, which is studying the bible verses for the recital tomorrow." I said to them.

"Is it alright if we help you, Michael? We have the same homework study too." Esther asked, smiling comfortably at me.

I chuckled a bit, "I was just about to ask you the same thing. But sure. Let me text my Mom first." I bring out my phone and started texting my Mom. I wanted to make sure if it's okay with her to spend the afternoon studying with my cousins. To my prayers, she responded yes, but she had to let Dad know to pick me up before curfew since she had to take Gabriel to his doctor's appointment after school, meaning that she'll be late.

I smiled. "She said that I can go, and Dad was supposed to come pick me up tonight. She had to take Gabriel to the doctor for his appointment."

"Alright." Elijah beamed. "Hopefully if you have some time after homework we can finally do some fun stuff together like-"

"Hanging out together while going for some snacks?" Joseph finished for him.

"Hey, that's what I was gonna say." Elijah crossed his arms dramatically.

"Of course you are, bro." Joseph snorted before they both chuckled.

I chuckled along with him as Esther just shook her head with a faint smile. I really missed this moment. It has been a long time since me and my cousins had more time to ourselves, I could barely remember. Although we do see each other... only when we were usually around the adults all the time during school, and when we were cleaning the church every Saturday morning.

They closed their lockers before we all left the school and head for their vehicle. I felt so lucky to have cousins like them... but I couldn't help but shook the thought of them finding about my _true self_. Would they still be understanding?

I don't know... life is pretty unpredictable.

"Hey it's _MY_ turn to drive, Elijah. Don't be hogging the keys." Esther swiped the car keys from Elijah's finger that he was swinging with. Each day the twins would have a turn to drive their parents' van to pick me up to school and drop me off at home ever since they earned their driver's licenses.

"Well I hope you don't be crashing the car." Elijah told her. "You knew what Mom and Dad said about having our driving privileges suspended the last time you almost had us killed."

"Don't get me started on that again, it only happened last year. And it was only because you wouldn't stop distracting me by pushing and screaming at me when we were taking Joseph to the doctor." Esther retorted.

"Well you were taking so slow. I was only trying to save his health from being at risk when Marty McCray and his stupid gang had beaten him."

"Yeah, by pushing and screaming at me. We could've called the ambulance instead."

"Because I'm worried we wouldn't have time. You knew how serious Joseph's injuries could be. That bast-... I mean, guy, acts like he's the most important male just because he's the 'Golden Boy'." Elijah stated when he almost let out a curse word. Saying things like that was never tolerable here in this school.

This Marty McCray person whom Elijah had just mentioned happens to be the leader of the rugby players of Safe Haven Academy, and is the son of one of the bishops from our church. He was always known to be a chick magnet, has straight As, and was seen as a polite, well-behaved young man in front of the adults, especially my father. But me and my cousins knew that behind that 'charming' mask Marty was hiding happens to be a mean-spirited brute who has no problem with harassing teens who are small, geeks, nerds, etc.

I looked to Joseph and he was blushing with embarrassment at what Elijah had mention before we both just sighed at their bickering before we made it outside.

The chilly air raced through my pale face as our shoes were making crunching noises against the white blankets of snow. They were already starting to melt. It had been three weeks since we returned to school from our winter break, although it wasn't much thrilling as a normal child would look forward too. My family never celebrate Christmas because they believe holiday traditions don't point to God's plan for us.

It was disappointing for me, I'll admit... but I had to suck it up.

The sky was covered with grayish black clouds and I can tell it's gonna rain in less than a minute.

... I can already feel the sprinkle of it.

_**END OF CHAPTER** _

_**Author's Note**_ _**:** Thank you guys for reading chapter 1, I really appreciate it. Working hard is a lot better than being bored at home all day with nothing to do, especially during pandemic. Chapter 2 will be coming to you soon everyone, so please be sure to follow, favorite/vote, and comment. _


	4. Chapter 2: Dysphoria

_We're people and we're different, all of us. And we should be using our differences to bring ourselves closer together._

**_\- Justin Timberlake_ **

****

**Chapter 2:** Dysphoria.

...

**Michael's P.O.V**

"I hope you'll get it right this time, Joseph." Esther told him. " _'For a child is born to us, A son is given to us; And the government is upon His shoulder; And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace'_." She recited, looking at Joseph with a tiny smirk on her pink, thin lips.

It took Joseph for about 5 to 6 minutes before he finally guessed the correct answer. " _Isaiah 9:6_." He replied. Esther's smile grew wide with delight as she nodded her head with amazement.

My cousins and I were all sitting on the floor of the living room still in our Safe Haven school uniforms with our bibles on our lap, along with pencils and homework sheets to write down and study for tomorrow's test. The recite practice did last us for about 2 hours since we were getting some verses wrong. It is quite frustrating.

While Esther turned to Elijah for his turn, I started to stare out the window as my mind instantly started to wonder. The soft, sprinkling raindrops falling from the grey, cloudy skies from outside had now turned heavy. The snow was now melting away real fast.

I remember when I was little, my Mom told me that the rain comes from God and the angels of heaven, and they were crying because there are people out there who are committing sin everyday. It felt more like the weather knew how I was feeling right now by the emotions that clouded my mind for a long time; sad, empty, and miserable. I know one reason was because of me being born as a 'mistake'.

And that mistake was being born in the wrong body of another gender. I wonder if that's part of the reason why God is crying... because of me.

If it is true then I would rather feel ashamed. As much as I hate to pretend to be the 'manly' guy, I really hate the feelings of fear. The fear I feel forbidden to speak about, and that it has been stinging me real badly almost everyday, mostly around public.

_"I don't understand why that guy wants to buy a dress for himself, Dad." Gabriel said, looking absolutely appalled as Dad is. "Doesn't he know that it's wrong?"_

_"He should! Those freakin' transgenders don't know any better..." Father grumbled, hatred was lingered in his deep voice._

_Gabriel and I were standing in between our parents in a shopping mall. We were watching the store clerk arguing with a young man, who was holding a blue sparkly dress that I think he wanted to buy. The man seems to be in his mid 20s. He had long, curly black hair that reaches over his shoulders and a high-pitched voice._ _I felt really bad for him. Even though I don't know him I feel like I wanted to go over there and comfort him, but I can't. Not with my parents around. Plus, any bad move then I could expose my true identity my family call a sin._

_Dad continues his judgmental ranting. "They think they can do whatever they want, such as wearing clothes that they shouldn't wear."_

_"I know, honey. Those kinds of people should know that they're forgetting that their original gender is God's gift to them. But since they wanted to change that then they're only deceiving themselves." Mom added in agreement, crossing her arms with a look of disapproval. I looked at her, not knowing what I should say to her. I'd figured she's just gonna keep up with this deceitful plan while knowing that her own second child is one of 'those kinds of people' as she'd put it._

_My father nods his head at her words, adjusting his glasses on his nose with his index finger. "It states in the bible that God's design was the creation of two distinct and complementary sexes; male and female. They don't understand God's order of creation, and they're violating the dignity of every human being. They are nothing but disciples of Satan!"_

_Absentmindedly all of the sudden,_ _I spoke up, "I'm not so sure about that."_

 _My family instantly turn to me, they both looked shocked and angered._ _"Did you say something, boy?" Father glared at me. I suddenly realized what I'd just done. I can feel a chill going down my spine, staring at his angry dark brown eyes._

_I knew there's no way I can back out on their subject, therefore I had no choice but to answer them._

_"I just don't see why they would be deceiving themselves, t-that's all. They're the same people as we are, but with different beliefs." I said, stuttering as I was trying to be brave. "Plus, I-I thought God had created everyone, regardless how they look—"_

_I was cut off with a painful yelp when my father smacked me in the face. He then grabbed me by the ear and demanded the family to leave the store. While we were getting close to our vehicle outside, he leans his face closer to my ear and angrily whispers;_ _"Don't you EVER try and stand up for those kinds of people, boy. They are nothing but damn menaces in the eyes of God, and you should be grateful that he has blessed you with the gender he has given you, otherwise you'd be damned to hell for eternity! Understood?!"_

_I had to say yes in order to get him to stop clutching my ear. It really hurts, but the ache in my heart at the fact that I'm one of those people my family had taught me not to become hurts even worse._

_I don't wanna let them down. I don't be kicked out into the streets like my older sister was. I have nowhere to go._

"Hello?! Earth to Michael!" I was snapped out of my thoughts when Esther caught my attention.

" _W-what?!_ " I muttered, I noticed my cousins were all staring at me.

"You look like you're daydreaming, Michael." Joseph joked. "I bet you must be thinking about Grace, huh?"

I cringed at the mention of the name of my 'future wife', but just nodded anyway. They had no idea about me and her, but I have to continue to give God what he wanted for me. "U-uh... yeah." I lied, which made me feel guilty. I then decided to change the subject by asking, "W-who's turn is it?".

"It's supposed to be _your_ turn to guess the verse." Esther scoffed, crossing her arms.

I blushed in embarrassment for letting my thoughts interrupt my focus on studying. "Sorry about that guys," I apologized before we continued. I really needed to focus if I wanted to improve on my grades.

I can't let my problems get in the way, but the more I read these verses, the more I worry about anyone in my family, heck even the whole town, figuring out my secret. Knowing how normal people think of someone like me, I can only imagine the hate and violence I'd be getting from everyone on a daily basis. They'll probably think of me like scum, on the same level as some darn kiddie fiddler. I can't even begin to imagine a huge storm that'd happen if someone found out.

"You know what guys, maybe we should take a break for a moment," Esther announced a half-hour later with a long sigh. She then looked at the clock that was sitting on the delicate coffee table, it was now 5:37 PM.

"Man, time sure does fly by." Elijah snorted, staring at the clock as well.

"I know, right." Joseph scoffed, a faint frown lingering on his lips. "I always _hated_ doing this big presentation thing, to be honest. It's so boring."

"Joseph!" Esther gasped as she instantly turned her head to look at him, her blue eyes were wide as dish plates. Elijah did the same.

"What? I did said I'm being honest here." Joseph respond as he shrugs his shoulders.

Well I can't blame Joseph, even though I was supposed to disagree on that. It's one of the things that he and I have in common. It was so hard to memorize all of that scripture...

Joseph continued, "Besides, nothing that we do at that school is productive. Not at all!"

"Joseph, that's enough!" Esther hisses at him. "There's nothing wrong about Safe Haven. It's a wonderful place to go everyday and we should be grateful about it."

"Pthh... everyday? Everyday?! Esther come on, you and I both know it's not true. It's just the four of us here. We would always express our feelings about what's going on and agree with each other. Besides, nobody else can hear what I'm telling you-"

"But God can!" She cuts him off, crossing her arms with a stern look. "You know he's always here watching our every move and hearing every word we say, right?"

Elijah meanwhile keeps on looking back and fourth at Joseph and Esther awkwardly, looking like he doesn't know what to say. When he looks back at Joseph, his face was converted into a sympathetic look.

When Joseph didn't answer her, Esther continued, "Don't you remember what our parents told us how dangerous it is? God can hear us and we'll be-"

"Ugh, yes. We'll be punished if we say something harsh, and that is a sin... _a sin!_ I get it, A FREAKING SIN!" Joseph cuts her off. He then buried his hands in front of his face as he firmly sat on the couch with a groan. We knew no doubt that Joseph doesn't enjoy going to the church or school. None of us do... but we can't even speak about it. Even though the system there was completely horrible. I personally think it was insane to pleasure the minds of the male students from our school by making them translate the bible just because they believe that there is a scripture saying that they're meant to be 'Superior'. I disagree with that.

Besides, nobody else has ever spoke this way about our school before. Everyone says that our school is amazing. How nice the teachers are, how friendly the students are to each other. We know that some of those things are not true, but what if they are? What if Joseph the one who is wrong, and everyone is right? What if this is the way life is supposed to be?

Joseph then looks up at us as we were all standing in front of him. "Look I'm just sick and tired of it, you know? I know you guys are too. And for once, wouldn't it kill you guys to just admit it?"

I figured that this subject wouldn't be getting us anywhere, and I had to say something.

Before Esther could say something, I quickly asked them, "How about we go out somewhere for a little while to take our minds off of it? We still have plenty of time, right?"

Elijah looks at his watch. "Oh yeah, sure. I almost forgot about that plan." He said with a slight chuckle.

"Do you think our parents would be okay with us going out," Esther asked.

"Relax, Esther. I asked Mom about it before she left earlier. She said she's fine with it, just as long as we all come back before curfew. Before Uncle Abraham comes to pick Michael up." Elijah answers her.

"Fine, I guess we can all go out to the mall to eat something. I'm already starving as heck." Joseph gets himself up from the couch and walks up to the coat rack to get his jacket, Elijah was following behind him as he picked up the car keys.

Before I could follow them, Esther's hand had gripped on my shoulders. "Urm... can you guys excuse us for a moment, I-I think I need to talk to Michael."

 _What?_ I thought to myself in confusion. I raised my eyebrow as I looked at her, her blue eyes were staring back at me. I turned back to the boys and they looked at each other with concern for a moment before they looked back at us and nodded. They then headed outside, the sound of the rain drops can be heard before they closed the front door.

With the two of us alone, I quickly turned to her and reply, "Um, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"Relax Michael, it's only gonna take a minute." She says. "It's just that... I don't know how to put this straight, but I'm starting to feel worried about you." She said.

I raised an eyebrow at her sentence. _Worried about me?_ _Why is that?_

"Why is that?" I asked her.

"Well-" She paused for a moment, biting her lip as she was staring at the ground. She then looks back up at me. "I don't wanna jump into conclusions Michael, but I couldn't help but notice something's off about you."

"O-Oh, uh no I've been alright, perfectly fine in fact. N-No issues here." I said, trying to give her a reassuring smile. But she just gave me a knowing look.

"I wouldn't recommend lying Michael, you're my cousin and I know you well that you're not great at it. Judging by what happened earlier, you kept on staring off into space as if something has been on your mind lately. I don't know if there could be something wrong or not. I can tell something is up, you know you can come to us if you need to?" She reminded me, hoping that I would open up more.

But I can't... I'll go to hell.

"I know Esther, but really, I'm good. Maybe just been a little worried about the future if I'll be able to handle taking the role as a pastor is all." I told her.

She then nodded, although I couldn't tell if she bought it or not. "Well don't worry, you have your Dad who can help you learn how to be the man you're destined to be. And plus, like our parents told us, God is always here and he will work things out for us. So in the meantime just take advantage of all the time you have before it happens, okay?"

I cringed a bit when she mentioned 'man' but just responded to her, "Okay".

I wonder if God still loved me even though I'm... different. Regardless that people had told me that God would destroy any transgenders, he did allow me live 17 years of my life. Meeting new people, making it to the 12th grade, everything. It is kinda confusing to me though...

Esther then replies, "Look I just wanted you to know that we all love you no matter what, Michael. Just promise us that you'll never change."

... And that was the final straw that broke the camel's back.

_'Just promise us that you'll never change.'_

"... O-Okay." Was all I could manage to reply.

Even though she seems worried for me I still don't know if she deserves to hear the truth or not after hearing the last sentence that came out of her mouth. I had to keep reminding myself that could risk everything and draw ire from everyone who are all looking up to me.

And long as I'm stuck in this town, I'm gonna have to live with this for the rest of my life. Whether I will be comfortable with this or not, I have to keep carrying the Goodman name as a strong man. And hopefully it will make me a strong man even though it's not my true identity.

I don't want to let my father down. I don't want to let my mother down. I don't want to let anyone down.

Especially not God.

But... would God still be okay with me still living like this? As a man who was actually born as a female from the start?

_** END OF CHAPTER ** _

__

_** Author's Note:**_ _Well, that's it for chapter 2. In case you guys have noticed while reading both this story and "Opposite Attraction", I had to switch Kevin and Michael's names because I feel the main character of this story should have a name that's sounds more biblical. So yeah, we'll definitely be calling him Michael Goodman and the main character from "Opposite Attraction" Kevin Anderson. The character names in this story have been changed to sound more biblical as well... tee hee hee._

 _I was gonna make it a longer chapter, but I feel the word length like it should be a good fit for it. I really need to take a break for a while, my worries kept on_ _pushing me down after a long, stressful week. I have been going through a lot of personal problems lately... (G.E.D practices, depression, family issues) I didn't even want to get out of bed, and I didn't feel like writing. I really needed someone to talk to during bleak moments. (-.-)_

 _Anyways, thanks for sticking around if you've been following, reading, and commenting since day one. Please tell me how you feel about this note I'm writing for you all to see. Also, for all newcomers, I appreciate your support as well._ _Also, I hope you people have a Happy_ _Halloween!_


	5. Chapter 3: Anguish

_**Author's Note : **WARNING - _ _This chapter may involve slight violence and PTSD attacks._

_Who wants to be normal? Normal is something that millions of people do every single day. To be abnormal, to me is what's a lot more fun. The individualism of it is what life's all about._

**_-_ _Josh Hutcherson_**

**Chapter 3:** Anguish.

...

**Michael's P.O.V**

Before long, we all have arrived at the mall and Elijah was able to park the car before we all stepped out. The rain was starting to calm down a bit, as well as my worries as I looked up at the huge public building; Oakland Mall. After all, I do deserve to have a some fun.

I didn't know when was the last time I actually had fun. A really long time ago, I guess...

My only guess was ever since Priscilla wasn't living with us anymore. Before my cousins and I had our own driver's licenses, we had no one who could take us out for fun anymore except for my parents, but they would never take us to anywhere except for church, school, or to other places every year on June to attend the anti-gay rally, whatever that's called. Once we have our driver's licenses our parents trusted us not to go places that is prescribed 'unholy' like clubs or dark alleys where some gang members would hang out... only somewhere more decent.

... Nobody knew how long I've longed to relive those fun childhood times. But not as much as I wanted to see my older sister again.

I wasn't in my normal mode right at this moment as I immediately began to sprint over to the mall, almost tripping over my untied shoe laces while a few horn blaring cars drove right pass me. My cousins were rushing up to me as they holler for me to slow down when we were now only a few feet away from the mall entrance.

I was the first one to make it to the front doors of the mall right before my cousins catch up to me after avoiding some passing vehicles and they were definitely out of breath for chasing after me. "Michael... HAVE YOU GONE _MAD!_ " Joseph yelled between exhausted breaths, his voice was lingered with irritation. "You could've gotten yourself seriously hurt!"

"Yeah Michael, calm down." Elijah replied in agreement. "You know we have plenty of time to spend before curfew."

"I'm sorry... but I'm just feeling excited right now, that's all." I flashed them both a wide, child-like smile.

Esther giggled as she shook her head, her blonde hair on her head was dancing in the soft wind of a cold evening. "Well at least you're smiling right now. And that's a good thing." She replies.

I couldn't blame her, I haven't smiled much around them. It felt really good to let go of my fears, even if it's just for tonight.

"Just think of it! We have the time to ourselves now! Maybe we can buy ourselves some candy, or maybe look at the kittens at the pet shop. Or maybe-"

"Or maybe we can eat!" Joseph cuts me off, rubbing his growling stomach. "I'm _STARVING!_ "

"Okay Joseph, we get it." Esther rolls her eyes before we all entered the mall. The place was quite huge, if you ask me. The place was decorated with colorful lights and there were so many stores of different themes located from every side of the building. Heck, they even have a fountain located at the center where people can throw their coins in and make a wish. As a crowd of people were walking pass us whilst carrying their shopping bags.

"Whoa... so many to chose." Joseph said, observing the place in front of him.

"Well you said you wanted to eat, so I think we should go to the food court first. If they got those here..." I reply, looking around to see if there are any diners here in this huge building.

"I think I see the food court over there." Esther reply, pointing over to the food court located just distance away from our left.

Elijah grinned, "What do you say, guys? Last one there is a rotten egg." He said before he went dashing off to the food court before anyone of us could react.

"Oh, so _NOW_ he wants run after he said his legs were tired." Esther scoffed, crossing her arms with a smirk.

I chuckled, shaking my head before I reply, "Relax, we'll catch up to him. Right Joseph-" I was cut off once I turned over to my right where Joseph should be... only to see that he's not there. _Huh...? Where did he go?_

"Really guys?!" Esther shouted. I turned to where she's looking at and saw that Joseph was now running along with him right pass the shoppers. Joseph turned over to us and sticks his tongue out, playfully taunting us in a childish way.

"Let's just catch up with them, Esther." I said to her. She nodded and we both head to their direction without any complaints.

Once we've finally caught up with Elijah and Joseph, who are now smirking at us while they were standing in front of one of the poles of the food court, Esther huffed with annoyance, saying while pointing her index finger at them, "You guys are lucky that we're in public, otherwise I could just start a scene in front of everyone right now because you don't know what I'll do".

Deciding to calm her down, I gently patted Esther's back "Calm down, Esther. We're just here to have fun."

"Yeah sis, relax." Elijah said, shoving his hands in his pockets with the same smirk still plastered on his pale lips. "Enjoy this night while you can,"

Esther rolled her emerald green eyes as she crossed her arms, letting out a childish _harrumph_ but nodded at Elijah's words afterwards. "Well I suppose you're right anyway."

"Of course I'm right, sis. That's why I care about you not getting your prissy little skirt in a hunch." Elijah chuckled, swinging his arm around his sister. 

Esther gasped at his words. " _Excuse me?!_ " She turned to him with a dramatic glare.

"So anyway guys," I decided to change the subject. "Which diners do y'all wanna order from?"

Joseph snorted, "Why order from just one diner when we can order from most of them as we want?" He said with a big smile.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yeah, why wouldn't we? We do have enough money anyway. And hey, maybe we can buy ourselves any kinds of deserts." Joseph added with a wink. He wasn't lying when he said they have more than enough money. Their parents are rich and they would award them with either dollars or gift cards if they behave well. They even have enough savings for any colleges they want to apply after they graduated. And my father... well he is more than 100% rich, which is why we live in a decent home, but he rarely ever gives me enough money. But at least he did give me a few whenever he's in a better mood anyway.

But however, instead of going off to college, my parents wanted me to marry Grace after I graduated Safe Haven Academy while my cousins can go live anywhere they desire to go. I think that should be another reason I have to take advantage of spending time with them.

"Urm I don't know guys... ordering a lot of junk food? You know that our parents won't allow us to eat many calories." Esther said, her voice lingering with unease as she was nervously twirling the lock of her golden blonde hair with an index finger.

"Well now our parents aren't here to stop us from eating all the junk food we want, _amirite sis?_ " Elijah said with a smug as he winked at her.

She snickers a bit. "Okay, I guess we can finally order what we want. I do have a hanker for some cinnamon rolls they're serving over there," Esther pointed towards the Cinnabon diner located to her right.

"Same with me for some great slices of pizzas they're serving right there." I added, my head motioning over to the Italian Pizzeria diner located to my left.

"Less talking about the grub, more grabbing the grub!" Joseph said, racing over to the same diner I wanna order from. We all went our separate ways, ordering ourselves buffet and sodas from the diners we picked; pizzas, chicken nuggets, hot dogs, cinnamon rolls, cakes, you name it. Of course we had to order something healthy like carrots and green beans to keep up our diet. My cousins offered me some of their money, even though I insisted. They were very kind to help me, which is why they're the only friends I have...

We soon walk to the dining tables after we finished ordering what we want.

"Now THIS is what I like to call dinner. Other than just eating plain roasted meatloaf and vegetables." Joseph said as we each take a seat. He was sitting besides me while Esther and Elijah were sitting besides each other.

"Well at least the vegetables did give us strength... and THESE bad boys here," Elijah said he lifted up his school uniform shirt, showing Joseph his 6-pack, light tan abs. Esther looked away with an annoyed sigh while I was beyond surprised at how built his chest looked right now... which kinda made me envy him, even though it's a sin to envy people. But my father would always scold me for having a flat, feminine-looking chest instead of having muscular chest like most of the normal boys. I know that it wasn't my fault, but his criticism always brings me down to shame. It's why I don't eat meat much...

Once I turned to Joseph, I noticed that he was somehow gazing in awe at Elijah's abs, I even noticed his cheeks flushed in bright pink. I turned back to Elijah and noticed him winking at him with a smug while nodding his head with pride. No kidding, I was kinda surprised and don't know what I should say about this-

"Elijah Goodman, if you don't pull your shirt back down right now... We're in public here!" Esther sternly told him with gritted teeth, still looking away from him. While Elijah tucks his shirt back down I look around the area, hoping that no one had saw what Elijah was doing. Thank God they haven't, I didn't want him to feel embarrassed.

I cleared my throat. "Shall we bless the food before we start eating?"

"Oh right, sure thing!" Esther said before we all bowed our heads, closed our eyes, and placed our hands in front of us, ready to look to the Lord.

I was the one to say our grace, "Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you for another day you have brought us. We thank you with our hearts for bringing us here tonight and for the food that we're about to nurture and receive in our bodies. In Jesus' name we pray. A-men".

After we finished saying our grace with all of us simultaneously saying, "a-men", we all started to dig in.

Before long my cousins started having a discussion about their future plans and stuff... while I just silently ate my slice of pepperoni pizza whilst staring absent-mindedly at my plate as my mind was filled with the last moments I had with my sister. Going out to eat had reminded me of her... because it's what she would used to do with me and Gabriel when she was here. I don't know if I'll ever get to see her again or not.

My family may tell me forget about Priscilla, but they still can't stop me from missing her. I miss Priscilla every moment of everyday, and I'm allowed to miss her because she's still my sister! I miss those wonderful times I'd shared with her throughout my childhood before our parents took every single trace of that happy childhood away from me. I would pray to God to keep her safe every night before bed, to make sure that she's safe.

I'm sure right now Priscilla, wherever she is, was probably wondering how our family is doing right now. If Dad is still running the church.

... If I was able to keep my forbidden secret safe like she wanted me to.

"Are you okay, Mike?" Joseph suddenly asked once he turned to notice my expression.

I broke my gaze away from my plate, placing my pizza down and said to him, "I'm fine... I'm just thinking about Priscilla. That's all."

Joseph nodded in an understanding manner, his dark brown eyes were filled with symphony. My cousins are the only ones in my family who I can talk to about Priscilla. They too miss her as well, regardless that she's a lesbian.

"I know... I miss her too, Michael." He said.

"Me too. I can't believe it's been 5 years already and it's still not the same without her." Elijah added before shoving more chicken nuggets into his mouth after dipping them into the barbecue sauce. 

"You guys don't know how long I wanted to see her again. And yeah, I know what she had done was very disgraceful to our family... but I just can't help but wonder if she's doing alright while surviving the outside world. I know I'm not supposed to be thinking about her but-"

"Michael, you have the right to miss her. There's nothing wrong with that." Esther told me with symphony in her green eyes. "She's still your sister, just like she's our cousin. Yeah she not with us anymore, but at least we can always remember the good times we had with her. Like the time when we were little she accidentally scared the heck out of Joseph while he was reaching for the cake that he fell from the counter but got his underwear stuck on the cabinet handle." Esther said, giggling.

Joseph's smile had dropped. "... And I'm still trying to forget that memory. Thanks a lot, Esther," He grumbled, crossing his arms with a frown. Elijah wrapped an arm around him as a way to comfort him, and Joseph's face started blushing again. 

Esther laughed before she turned to me, "So you see Michael, as long as we have memories of Priscilla she won't be forgotten by us. And that's one thing our family is never gonna take from us..."

"Yeah man, we'll always remember cousin Priscilla. Even if we still wouldn't see her for another while in the future," Elijah said with a mouthful of pizza after he had taken another bite.

Esther instantly turns her head away in disgust as she held up her hand to protect herself from the small bits of food and barbecue sauce that flew from his mouth. "Ugh... Can you _PLEASE_ not talk with your full, Eli?" She groaned. Elijah and Joseph both started laughing anyway before Esther shakes her head with a smirk now lingered on her lips. "You guys are _sooo_ immature,"

I couldn't help but giggle along with her, which had cheered me up a little. "Thanks guys,"

\----------------------------------------

After we finished eating, we all decided to head over to the arcade to spend the rest of our free evening there and we immediately got some extra change for the machines before we headed for the new arcade cabinet the workers had put in.

"So, which games should we play first?" Elijah asked us, looking around the arcade.

"Oh, oh, how about that one over there?" I said, pointing over to the _Dance, Dance Revolution_ game.

"Oh yeah, I always wanted to try that game since of course I love to dance." Esther beamed, flipping her hair.

"Uh-oh, you better watch out, Mike. Esther's ready to bring you down." Elijah snickered.

"We'll see about that." I playfully responded before we went over to the _Dance, Dance Revolution_ console. At first I was filled with confidence, but man, was I wrong to think that I could beat Esther in this game. I was having quite the difficulty trying to get the dance moves right. I guess I'm not much of a dancer after all.

After having enough fun of the dancing arcade game, we all witness a another arcade game, but this time a racing-themed one called _Sonic and Sega All-Stars Racing_. Nobody else were there so we all went over to play that. Since it's a two-player game, we decided that Joseph and Elijah should have their turns first since they haven't played any games yet. They placed two put of their quarters in and the game started up, with Elijah playing the character, Sonic, and Joseph as the character, Tails.

We should've known that they'd probably never get to the high score, at least not without practice, but it is their first time anyway.

After they were done, Joseph offered me to take his place. I was very excited to play but then I told him and the others that I need to go use the bathroom first before I hurriedly rushed over to the boys' restroom. I could've just take my time instead of rushing, because soon after I finished my washing my hands I manage to race out of the restroom... only to bump into someone.

" _Oof!_ "

" _Ow! Aw shit!_ " I heard an unfamiliar male voice shouted once I was knocked onto the ground after accidentally bumping into someone. I then looked up to see that it was a teenage male who seemed fairly tall, twice my size, and his build was somewhat skinny. He did have some muscle in him, but not too much.

He happens to be Asian, but I could tell that he's definitely mixed with white. He has short, curly raven hair along with thick black eyebrows above his dark brown eyes. He was wearing a leather black jacket with a black long-sleeved shirt, but they were rolled up to show off his tattoos. He even wore black skinny jeans with some rips on it, a skull belt buckle, and a long chain hung from his pants. If you ask me, he was kinda... intimidating.

You can see the tattoos on his neck and hands, along with a nose piercing and a few rings on his fingers, not to mention his nails were painted black... which was something I was taught that no male should ever be doing with their nails.

I was taken aback once I saw the flaming ire written all over the boy's face. There was a huge wet stain of spilled soda from the cup he was holding on his shirt, all thanks to me bumping into him... Whoops.

"What the fuck, man?! I just spent half of my allowance buying this new shirt!" He shouted at me, pointing at his wet shirt. I cringed at the way he cursed. Whenever someone curses I always cringe... I just never liked it.

I quickly got myself up and try to apologize, "I-I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, I was just-"

"Well if you're really sorry, then how about you watch wherever the fuck you're going?!" And before I knew it, he started to push me down with his bare hands.

The force from the boy's shove was so strong that I smashed my back of head off against the restroom door, my eyes immediately tearing up from the impact and sending my vision blurry. I almost felt my heart stop, trying everything in my power to keep the tears from leaving my eyes.

I couldn't hear anyone anymore... I couldn't see anything.

I could only see **_him_**.

_I was suddenly thrown onto the ground, causing me to unintenually drop a pot filled with pasta that I was about to place on top of the stove. The hot water and uncooked pasta were spilled all over the kitchen floor._

_"MICHAEL!" I heard an angry growl of my father's deep voice. Once I turn around, I found myself lying on the corner with my Dad looming over me, gazing down at me with an icy sneer lingering on his pale lips while his larger hands were clenched against his sides._ _"Boy, you just make me sick. Just look at what you've done!" He pointed at the spilled mess of pasta on the floor that I've accidentally made._

_I was so hungry, and usually Mom would be cooking us dinner like she does every night. But today she had been in her room all day crying her eyes out after she had a rough argument with Dad earlier before he left for work. I didn't know what was going on between her and Dad, but when I ask her what was wrong she started to yell at me and told me to leave her alone._

_I knew that she isn't in the mood to cook for tonight, but still I wanted to eat. So I decided if I can just cook for my own... which I knew that it is strictly forbidden in this house._

_"I-I'm sorry father, I-"_

_"You're not sorry, you're just sorry that you got yourself caught!" He spat out at me as he was approaching dangerously closer to me, his shoes made a click against the tiled floor with each step he took. "How many times have I told you not to cook? Only women are made to cook, and you are NOT a woman!_ _Why can't you be more like your little brother?_ _"_

_I shielded myself by raising my hands in front of me while I was shaking behind the corner, pleading for Father not to hurt me and that I promise to never do it again. Of course that didn't stop him from doing what he's about to do when he said "I'm gonna make sure you'll never do it again", before he grabs a clump of my blonde hair.  
_

_I couldn't help but let out a loud, high-pitched shriek as he roughly pulls me up off the ground. The next thing I knew I was greeted with a hard punch by Dad's fist across my face. It send me onto the floor once again. My face was turned away as a few tears were instantly leaking from my eyes while my heart was racing with fear. I didn't want to show any tears to my father, otherwise things may get worse since he would always remind me that real men don't cry._

_"Get up!" He whisper-yelled at me. I blinked quickly, trying to regain my sight while wiping the tears away with my shoulders. When I slowly got up to my feet to face him, Dad smacks me across the face again, sending me falling back onto the floor. The punch was so strong that it was enough to cause the crimson blood to leak from my now sore lips._

_"You stupid little pansy, GET UP!" He roared as a few sprinkles of saliva hit the side of my face._

_**"STOP IT!"** I screamed as I grabbed a nearby plate that was sitting beside the stove and threw it towards him out of my sudden rage. _ _The plate didn't hit him as he moved his head out the way before it flew pass him and shatter into pieces once it hits the wall._ _But one of the shards had struck my Dad on the left side of his forehead, causing him to yell out from pain._

 _Once he pulled out the shard his forehead was starting to bleed._ _He slowly turned to me, so furious you could literally see the veins forming._

_I was in the middle of a fight-or-flight mode before I chose flight, and within an instant, I started to run out of the kitchen before my Dad chased me around the house. I was screaming for Mom while tears were running down my face like I'm a helpless little child who's being chased by kidnappers, even though I knew that she isn't gonna come and save me like she used to anymore. I'm already 15 and this is starting to get out of control._

_Father finally catches me before I could make it to my bedroom and starts beating me up with anger, each punch making my previous bruises much worse, but not as worse as the internal pain he has given me._ _Mother, who came out of her room to see what was going on, had rushed over and pulled him off of me, but then she starts to blame me for his aggressive actions afterwards._ _As much as I want to hate my parents, I can't. I was taught at the church that it is a sin to hate the people who brought you into this world._

 _Before I could say anything to her, Father sends me up to the repentance room where I'll once again be spending the night at. He then roughly threw me down onto the floor of the mirror-covered area before bellowing at me,_ _"REPENT OF YOUR SINS!" before slamming the door shut._

_For the rest of the night I was crying out for God and Jesus for forgiveness as I wrapped my arms around my stomach to comfort myself._

I was pulled away from the nightmarish flashback from two years ago with the sight of the same boy who pushed me, only this time his face with now lingered with concern. "Hey kid, are you okay?" I suddenly heard a question coming out of his mouth.

I opened my mouth but no words were coming out... I was shaking as my eye sight started to become blurry with hot tears. _No, no, no! I can't cry... not in front of another male!_ I thought to myself in panic and embarrassment, my heart was pounding as I literally felt like it's gonna rip out of my chest.

I didn't want look at the guy as I averted my gaze from him and onto the floor, worried that he's now disgusted at how pathetic and unmanly I'm acting in front of him. I backed away from him, wanting him to go away and leave me alone. I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my pale cheeks.

"Wait kid," The guy reached out his tattooed hand towards me, "I-I'm so sorry, I didn't m-"

Then all of the sudden, I could hear Elijah's angry voice yelling "Hey! What are you doing to my cousin?!", and the sound of his footsteps approaching. I assumed that he must've thought the guy who pushed me was hurting me since I was backing away from him in panic. When I looked up my eyes widened to see Elijah throwing a punch at the boy across the face, knocking him onto the floor.

Esther, who was witnessing this along with Joseph, let out a terrified scream before she then races to her brother and tries to pry him off of the boy as he was still swinging his fists while yelling at him. Joseph came rushing over to me once he saw me in my own terrible situation.

Most of the people in the arcade all stopped what they're doing and looked over at us to see what's going on.

I couldn't move or do anything... only hyperventilating and crying at the same time. I felt so humiliated.

This is _exactly_ why my father has the right to beat me.

What is wrong with me? Why am I so weak? Why can't I stand up for myself?

Why am I so pathetic?

So... _**unmanly?**_

"Michael... are you okay?" I heard Joseph asking me a question. I looked at him but I didn't reply. My hands were starting to shake rapidly even more. "Michael, talk to me... please. A-Are you okay?"

I noticed that everyone are still staring at me, including the curly-haired boy, who seemed to be staring at me with guilt and concern in his dark brown eyes.

This tension was becoming too much for me.

 _I don't think I can take this anymore!_ I thought sadly.

" _J-Just leave me alone..._ "

Joseph shook his head, his face was still lingered with concern. "Michael, please just tell us. Are you okay or not-"

"I said **JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!** " I screamed as I pulled myself off of the floor. My cousins immediately back away as the other people had jumped at my sudden outburst. With no hesitation, I started to run out of the arcade, not daring to look back.

"Michael wait, come back!" Esther yells at me, but I ignored her as I kept on running, not caring that I was bumping into people as they were screaming their complaints at me before I then made a swift exit through the mall doors. I couldn't believe what I've just done, but I just didn't want to be here anymore! Tonight was supposed to be a time for fun. A time for me to catch a break from my troubles while the evening lasted. But unfortunately, my troubles couldn't get a break from me. My evening was now ruined because of it.

Why must bad things keep happening to me? What did I do wrong to deserve this pain?

Does the world hate me?

_Does God hate me?_

_**END OF**_ ** _CHAPTER_ **

_**Author's Note : **_ _Annnnnnd done... that's a wrap for Chapter 3, everyone. FINALLY! Also,_ _Happy New Year everyone! Let's all hope 2021 will be far better than what 2020 had bought us._

_It's nice that Michael and his cousins get to have an evening of freedom and let their childish nature take over their 'perfection' nature since they're parents aren't with them... until Michael's PTSD attacks and negative feelings had invaded his mind in the bathroom, completely destroying his fun evening. As I told you before on the first note above, I wanted this story to capture the true meaning of Pain... Michael's pain._

_The pain of how Michael was raised within the walls of a devoutly Christian home where his family would used their religion to mask just how fucked up their lives were. While he was refusing to seek help to escape his unhealthy abusive relationship with his family and accept himself as a transgender (FTM), until a certain someone with beliefs different than his family came into his life_ _... And that certain someone however, was the one who pushed him at the arcade._

_Anyways, just keep your fingers crossed my lovelies, because the next chapters will be taking you on a wild ride. I'll be looking forward to see you guys next time. Take care now! ;-)_


	6. Chapter 4: Misery

_**Author's Note :** WARNING - This chapter may contain violence and suicidal attempts._

_To be afraid is to behave as if the truth were not true._

**_- Bayard Rustin_ **

**Chapter 4:** Misery

...

**Michael's P.O.V**

Running... that's all I can do.

My sprinting feet continue to carry me far away from the eyes of public with shame and embarrassment bringing me down once again. My heart was pounding as I didn't care how I was bumping into people at that moment. I just couldn't take it anymore after what happened at the arcade just two minutes ago, so I though it was best to get away from it all.

Once I was sure that I was far away from the mall, my running slowly ceased into walking. The air was very frigid at night, even though it's no longer raining. It's a good thing that I'm wearing a jacket, otherwise I'd be catching a cold and my Dad would be furious of me if that happens. I knew that my cousins are gonna start worrying for me after running off like that and that we're gonna have a talk about this at school tomorrow, but I don't want to go back there.

To think that I was about to have a good time after such a long time... and then _it_ came to me once again. My terrible thoughts came to haunt me once again.

This isn't the first time it happened though. It happened on certain times whenever I was pushed or something else in a harshest way by other people... all of those experiences would cause my mind to focus back to those horrible moments I had with my father hurting me.

I never told this to anyone because I was way too embarrassed to talk about it... even to my cousins. But that should be a good thing. No one must ever know about my problems. Well nobody would ever listen to me because they would think that I'm just being an ungrateful teenager who just wanted attention as a rebel against my parents when I should be grateful for receiving harsh beatings from them.

But those horrible thoughts that were haunting me over and over again were so unbearable that I just wanted them to stop. It made me question myself if all of this madness is part of being normal or not. I just don't know what could this mean, even though I've dealt with it for more than three years now.

I sighed as I came to a halt, my legs were now feeling tired. That was right when I've found an empty park. I went over there and sat on a bench with no hesitation. I raised my hands over to my head, circulating it with a sharp inhale.

 _What's wrong with me?_ I thought to myself in shame. _Why must there be something wrong with me? I'm supposed to be perfect. A perfect man of God that my parents raised me to be. But a man doesn't run off like a scared little coward. Oh God, what if those kids from my school besides my cousins were there and saw the whole thing? Since I live in this small town all my life I knew things spread around fast. And that incident at the mall will be part of the spread rumors. If that happens my father would chop off my head and fry it into hot, scalding oil for not being a man and fighting back that guy who pushed me._

Well maybe I'm over-reacting. Not all people cared about what's going on in a small town, and not all the kids in this town goes to my school.

Besides, I've never seen that tall kid before in my life...

I don't think I'll come across that kid again. We don't know each other and he doesn't live in this town.

I began to shiver a bit as wrap my arms around myself, despite that I'm wearing a jacket. While doing so I began thinking about what Joseph said to earlier; about how crazy the system is here in this religious town. The church, the school... especially the punishments. Everything!

I don't know why, but something inside me was telling me that he could be correct.

Then again, I should be ashamed for agreeing with him. A part of me keeps telling myself; _"If Dad said that being in pain for not being perfect is part of God's wish, then it's part of God's wish. And that's how life always will be"_.

In the midst of my troublesome thoughts, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I bring it out and noticed that I had just received a text message from my Dad, asking me where I was and that Aunt Gloria and Uncle Patrick had told him that they just received the news from my cousins about them having no idea about my whereabouts. I can tell that my Dad was angry because the text was written in bolded, capital letters.

And in that moment, I face-palmed...

My hand gripped around my phone, before I let out a frustrated scream.

_Darn it! It's already an hour pass curfew and Dad was supposed to pick me up at my cousins' house by now. How could I possibly forget in short matter of minutes? Now he's REALLY gonna kill me when I get home._

I made sure I've texted my dad, telling him that I'm on my way home before he told me that I better be there before he arrives.

I dragged myself all of the way to the fancy neighborhood that my house is located in. I searched for our spare house key by looking under the doormat my parents have hidden under just in case me or Gabriel arrived when they're not home... Well, none of my family are home yet.

Once I found the key, I picked it up and used it to simply unlock the door. I turn the knob and entered the house. I turned on the porchlight, that way my family will know that I'm home once they arrived before I switch on the lights inside.

I kicked off my shoes and hung up my jacket at the coat hanger and immediately climbed up the stairs. Once I got to the top, I just stood there, staring down the staircase and feeling my sock-covered feet on the cusp of the top step.

Then suddenly... a new emotion started to invade me. Not sadness. Not fear.

... But anger.

I felt a newfound burst of anger popped inside of me out of the blue before I began stomping on the floor, hit the wall, and slammed the door of the bathroom shut as I walked in. I threw the objects off of the counter top and pushed the hamper down. I didn't even realized that I was already crying until I saw my reflection in the mirror.

I looked horrible. My eyes were dark and bloodshot, surrounded by the purple and black bags under my eyes. Even my blonde hair was a mess and my face was long and tear-stained. I looked like a disappointment... because I am a disappointment.

I stared at my reflection staring back at me and I couldn't help but let out a loud sob. It's good thing my parents aren't here to witness how weak, pathetic, and unmanly I truly am. I watched my mouth cry out and watched the hot tears squirt from out of my eyes and stream down my pale face. My hands were gripping the countertop and I pulled them off, letting my hands form fists and my nails dig into my skin.

I feel like don't deserve to live on this earth for being a mistake. My Mom didn't deserve to make me into a boy to make Dad happy to finally raise a mistake like me as his 'son' in this nice place that they both worked so hard for.

I slammed my fist down on the countertop multiple times before turning and kicking the wall. My eyes scanned the products on the floor before I flew over to the drawers and cabinets under the sink. I dug through them before storming downstairs, leaving them completely open.

The tears were rolling down my face once again and I ran into the kitchen, easily spotting the knife block on the counter. I pulled out the first object I saw, not too big, but sharp.

... A kitchen knife.

I began to press my thumb against the sharp tip of the blade and once I felt the pain and saw the crimson substance seep out of it, I pulled up the sleeve of my school uniform on my left arm and pressed the knife against it. I quietly hissed as I went across the first time, the tip of the knife quickly cutting through my pale skin. The second cut wasn't as deep and I slowly pulled the tip of the knife on top of my skin.

I absentmindedly watched the blood pouring out of my arm and stared at it, my harsh breaths calming and the tears slowing.

All of the suddenly I was snapped out of whatever I was feeling when the first drop of blood hit the tiled floor. My eyes went wide as dish plates and I quickly went over to the sink and ran water on top of my blood-covered arm.

_Oh no, no, no... what have I done?! I did it again!_

"Shoot, shoot," I muttered as I saw the blood flow down the drain and coat the stainless steel sink. _What is wrong with me? Why did I have to do that?_ I can't believe I let my thoughts persuade me to cut myself again. Oh dear god, I can't let my family see my arms! I have to cover them up.

I quickly grabbed a paper towel and pressed away the water and blood still seeping out of him, and went to get a band-aid, leaving the knife sitting in the sink.

Once I proceeded to cover up the cuts, I then cleaned up the blood on the floor and washed the knife thoroughly, placing it back in the knife block. I brought my blood-soaked paper towels to the bathroom to make sure my parents or my little brother didn't see them anywhere and buried down to the bottom of the trash can.

Afterwards I was able to put everything back on the counter and in the drawers before I exited the bathroom. That was when I spotted the door to my sister's room. A frown came upon my lips before I slowly approach to Priscilla's room. I haven't entered her room ever since she left us years ago. My parents refuse to let me.

I knew I shouldn't do this, but I just want to take a peak. They do say that curiosity killed the cat.

The area was pitch black before I turned on the light. The scene was no longer familiar to me. There was no furniture anywhere. My parents must've thrown out every furniture, except for the empty mattress that used to be Priscilla's bed. They could've made it into a guest room if they gonna keep the bed here.

I walked over to my sister's formal bed and climbed on top it before I laid down, curling myself into a ball as the tears were blurring my vision. I felt so alone once again. My hands were gripping the mattress's surface, I wish that Priscilla could come back so I could be in her arms again just like old times.

_"Hey Priscilla?" I tugged on Priscilla's blankets, fear was lingered in my soft voice as I was waiting for her to wake up and respond._

_A loud thunder has woken me up from my sleep just minutes ago, scaring me almost to death. I knew my parents won't let me sleep with them like I used to do. Since I'm 8 years old now, they say that I'm a big boy and that I'm supposed to sleep on my own now._

_I thought that I should be brave enough to be sleeping through stormy nights too... but I was wrong. I really want to sleep with someone else to keep me company, but my parents would get mad if they see me not in my room. So I had decided that maybe_ _Priscilla_ _would let me sleep with her._

 _She stirred in her sleep before she slowly turned over, her tired green eyes met my blue ones._ _"W-What are you doing here, Michael?" She whispered with a yawn. "Shouldn't you be sleeping right now? We have school in the morning."_

_"I know... I-I'm sorry," I said, trying not to cry as I was shaking like a leaf. The only sounds that were audible in this room were my shaky breathing and the pitter-patter of heavy rain outside._

_Priscilla_ _sighed and then asks me, "It's okay, Mikey, just tell me what is it?"_

_"C-Can I sleep with you, Priscilla?" I simply asked her._

_"Didn't Mom and Dad say that you should be sleeping on your own now?" She asked me, siting up from her bed._

_"Ye-Yeah... b-but I'm too scared to sleep alone. Please let me sleep with you, Priscilla, I-I promise I won't bother you."_

_"Michael, I can't-"_

**_KA-BOOM!_ **

_I let out a high-pitched scream at the horrifying sound of a thunder crash, followed by a lightling flash as Priscilla gasped and she looks back at the window. I quickly climbed up on top of Priscilla's bed under the sheets. Priscilla gently peels the sheets to see me shaking more violently before her face now has symphony written all over._

_"Awe... okay, I'll let you sleep with me." She said. She then leans over and whispers, "And to be honest, thunderstorms kinda scare me too."_

_"Really?" I looked at her with surprise. "But I thought big kids don't get scared."_

_"Yeah, well big kids can get scared too. But what can I say, Mikey? They just don't want to look weak in front of little kids to the point where they pee their pants.” She snorted with a smirk._

_I giggled a bit at her words._ _"Well I don't think you're weak, Priscilla. I think you're amazing." I said to her._

_"I know, Mikey."_ _She smiles and patted my hair, "And I think you're my sweet little brother," She playfully tapped my nose with her finger, earning her a giggle from me. I was starting to feel better now. "So yeah, you can sleep with me. But I'll have to take you back to your room later before Mom and Dad wakes us up in the morning."_

_"Okie-dokie," I smiled as I excitedly got under the covers, getting myself comfortable. Priscilla joins in, her face was turned to the other side._

_"Priscilla?"_

_"Yeah?" She asked, still not looking at me._

_I asked her, "Do you promise that you won't leave me?"_

_She then snorted before she turns to me, "Mikey come on, you know that I would never leave you. I'll always stay by your side no matter what."_

_I bring out my pinkie in front of her, saying, "Pinkie promise?"_

_She smiled before wrapping her pinkie with mine. "Pinkie promise..."_

_We soon hugged each other, the loving warmness of our embrace was welcoming us as my fears were melting away and sleep had finally return to me._

I was cut back to reality once I felt a vibrant from my phone. It was another text message from my Dad. He says that he's home now, and he is very disappointment. I gasped in fear before I quickly got up off the mattress, shut off the lights, and left Priscilla's room once I closed the door behind me. It was a good thing that Priscilla's room was located on the right side of the house, otherwise Dad would noticed that the lights were on in Priscilla's room and assumed that I had disobeyed one of his rules, resulting my upcoming punishment to get even worse.

I then heard my dad walk through the front door, feeling the unpleasant chill going down my spine.

" **MICHAEL,** " He yelled, his deep voice echoing throughout the house. " **COME DOWNSTAIRS RIGHT NOW, BOY!** "

My heart stopped and I quickly (and reluctedly) walked downstairs and enter the kitchen where he was standing in front of me. He was freshly shaven, his messy blonde hair was slicked back. He always cared about his look. He said that looking well represents the appreciation you have for God. Of course I take care of myself, but to be honest, I don't do it for God. It's just... whatever.

By now Dad was wearing a usual terrifying, angry look. If this was a cartoon you would see steam coming out of his ears. I stood in front of him in the kitchen, replying to him, "Yes, father?".

"How stupid can you be? You were supposed to meet my outside your uncle and aunt's house and they told me that you ran off somewhere, is that correct?!" He asked me, his voice was lingered with ire.

"Yes sir," I nodded, looking down at the ground in shame. I was so scared to meet make eye contact with him.

"Young man, look at me when I'm talking to you!" He yelled at me before I quickly obliged.

Breathing heavily, I stared at him. I was so terrified. I hated myself for feeling this way.

He gave me the most hateful sneer, inching dangerously closer towards me. "I swear, I never knew a seventeen-year-old boy could be so careless and retarded!"

I started walking backwards so much that I bumped softly in the corner of the kitchen of our two-story abode, wishing I had known exactly what I had did wrong. I kept my pathetic brave expression on my face as my dad raises up his hand, causing me to flinch.

"No father, please don't hit me..." I whimpered.

"I wasn't planning on hitting you, stupid little girl!" He muttered. Instead, he grabbed an object what appeared to be a ruler from the shelf above me, and as quick as a flash, he smacks me across the face with it. I was shocked and dumbfound at how quick he managed to do so.

He then started screaming in such a voice I've never heard before in all of his angry days which were many days. "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING, MICHAEL?! HOW _DARE_ YOU RAN OFF TO SOMEWHERE WHEN YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO?!"

"I-I'm sorry, father... I don't know what I was doing, b-but I promise I-I won't do it again." I said, not daring to show my weakness in front of him.

"Hmph, you better not!" His eyes were bulging as he then pushes me onto the floor in a very harsh way. I turned to look back at him as he was towering over me. "Your mom and your brother are gonna be home in a few minutes. And until dinner is ready, you are to stay in your room and do not come out under any circumstances".

"But what if I have to use the bathro-"

"Don't question me, young man! GET YOUR ASS UPSTAIRS RIGHT NOW **OR I'LL GIVE YOU ANOTHER SMACK IN THE FACE!** " He bellowed, holding up a ruler in his hand in a threatening way.

"Y-Yes, sir..."

I proceeded to ran upstairs, not daring to look back before I made it to my bedroom and closed the door behind me. I turn on the light and decided to lay down on my bed to relax for a while. My raised my hand onto the stinging left cheek where my father smacked it with a ruler, flinching once my fingers made contact.

But then... that was when _the voice_ appeared in my head.

**_"Your family would be very disappointed if they found out you're transgender."_ **

"Hmm...?" I opened my eyes.

 **_"You heard me. You're just a disappointment to the Goodman name... just like your sister._ ** **_It'd be so much easier for them if you don't exist."_ **

"Stop it..." I whispered to myself, rising up from my bed before placing my hands against both sides of my head. I was trying stopping the voice from talking trash about me. The voice was always there to bother me whenever I mess up, and it's job was to make me feel bad about myself.

**_"Stop what? I'm only telling you the truth. The truth is that you'll never become a man your father wants you to be. Because you're, like what he said, a stupid little girl!"_ **

"No..." I firmly talked back to the voice. "I'm not a girl... I-I am a man! I'm a man!"

I kept repeating "I'm a man" over and over again, hoping for the voice to leave me alone. Even though I knew the voice was right about me being a girl in the beginning.

If anyone was here, they would start thinking that I'm talking to myself like a crazy person. I stayed like that until it was time for dinner when mother and Gabriel had return home an hour ago.

\----------------------------------------

"So I was walking down the hall this morning when a blonde girl came up and told me that I'm cute, and that she wanted to attend my baseball game that starting in a few months." Gabriel said to father, eating his spinach. We were sitting on the dinner table after we finished blessing the food, talking about how our day went.

"Oh really," Father looked at him with smirk as he was cutting the steak. "What grade is she in?"

"Well... she seemed to be in 9th grade." Gabriel answered him, shrugging his shoulders with a faint smile on his face. Gabriel is only 11 years old now, and he was already gaining attention from the older girls at school. I couldn't blame him, he does have charming looks for a kid his age.

Me? I'm just... whatever. Not that I care that the girls at my school didn't pay attention to me anyway. I just don't want much attention from any people, especially the ones who can be judgmental.

"Huh," Father snorted, pride was now lingered on his pale face. "I see you're already becoming a chick magnet your age just like your father. But just remember, your studies should come first before having a girlfriend, and that's what matters. Understand?"

"Yes, father." Gabriel nodded. Soon, it was my turn to talk.

"So, Michael, how was your day at school going?" Father asked as he looks down at his food.

"It was fine." I softly replied, spinning the spaghetti around on my plate with my fork.

Father looked up at me, slamming his fork and knife down on his plate. "Repeat yourself!" He glared, his deep voice was sounding harsh. Mother didn't even look at me as if she couldn't hear anything, while Gabriel was staring at me with disgust, his icy blue eyes were squinting.

I swallowed heavily, placing my fork on my plate. "My apologies, sir. I was having a bible verse practice for the test that will be taking place tomorrow afternoon at school." I said to him more loud and clear, trying not to sound shaky as fear was crawling up my skin.

My father nods his head then places his fork and knife back up. Gabriel rolls his eyes and looks back down at his food. I sighed in relief, but I was still shaking with fear.

"You better not disappoint me, boy. Or I'll make you feel like you're in hell." Dad mumbled, cutting his steak in anger.

My heart starts beating with fear, knowing he was angry. I always hated it. I knew my Dad is a man of his word.

Everytime he gets angry, he ends up hurting me. He makes sure he doesn't leave bruises anyway. People say that if you don't have bruises on you, there's no proof that you're being abused.

"I bet you're gonna end up like your sister one day. A fucking ass disappointment... DISGUSTING!" His angry voice grew louder, slamming his silverware down, glaring at me. I looked over at mom, and she now had a small heartless smirk on her pale face.

Everything that happened today slipped in my mind. Joseph's words from earlier slipped into my mind.

I was soon back to the beginning. The beginning where I am completely scared of my father. The beginning where everything tells me who I'm supposed to be. The beginning where I've been my whole life.

"You know, back in the day, you were able to beat your kids to normal. That's how parents are supposed to do. My father did it, and so did my mother. But on nowadays you can't lay your hands on your kids! Pathetic!" Dad said, standing up from his chair, still glaring at me.

My eyes went wide, standing up abruptly out of my chair and backing into the wall.

"But still, I don't give two shits about it!" He growled, his hands balled into fists. He's always like this. He gets himself worked up and hurts me. But he never leaves a mark.

With that thought, I quickly ran out of the kitchen, down the flight of stairs with tears in my eyes.

I heard my father's loud footsteps behind me, and my mother screaming angrily at me to come back. I made my way to the front door, and promised myself to never return ever again. I'm never coming back to this hellhole again. I knew that God wouldn't want me to do this. I know my memories of Priscilla lied within this house, but I can't stand another second of being terrified for my life. I should've thought about running away a long time ago... maybe even run away with my sister when I had the chance.

I opened the door and a small smile formed on my face, ready to walk out the door. I'm going to be free. I'm going to be out of this nightmarish prison that I call my home.

But then, a large hand grabs my hair, pulling me back inside the house.

"You're not going anywhere!" Father screamed at me.

I fell to the ground as he drags me back in, slamming the door. I watched as the outside world grew sheltered to me once more, and listened to the continuous yellings of my parents. The first punch my father sent me causes my vision to black out.

... There's just no escape from this punishment.

_**END OF CHAPTER** _

_**Author's Note : **I sincerely apologize for not updating this story and the rest of them in a while, everyone. I was gonna update this story last week but I was having a major headache. What do you guys think of this chapter? Do you think Michael will receive help from anyone? Is Priscilla ever gonna come back home? Stay tuned for future updates._

_Please be sure to follow, favorite/vote, and review if you're interested. I love you guys. :)_


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